Working Mom

A general disclaimer: I hope that no one will be offended by the content of this post. However, in remaining true to my original blogging objective, which was to have a forum to write freely, (regardless of whether people read or not), I am compelled to publish my thoughts on this matter.
Three weeks ago, I returned to work full-time for the first time in two years. Since then, I have experienced a host of emotions that I had gladly tucked away in the recesses of my working mom memory. The advent of every school year since the birth of my oldest, Amelia, brings with it a tidal wave of "mom guilt." Dave knows this, and has learned to prepare for weeks of a teary, distant and overwhelmed wife.
You see, I love my children; I love being the first face they see in the morning and the last face they see before they go to bed. I even love wiping their bottoms and taking them to the doctor and working through the kinks of their discipline. Seriously, motherhood is the best, most wonderful, messiest, most difficult job I've ever had. On the other hand, I also love teaching. I love working with teenagers (most of them). I love teaching them that through writing, they can have a voice in the world. I love introducing them to literature that they might never read on their own. I love knowing that I've made a small (and sometimes big) difference in students' lives. Teaching is not just my job; it is my calling. So, you see my conundrum: when I am teaching, I struggle terribly with being away from my kids, and when I stay home, I am restless to teach.
Working is also a financial issue, since my husband is a pastor. Though our church is beyond generous, especially when you consider its size and location, we still do not make enough to be a one income family. It is on this point that I get defensive. Many people have questioned my decision to work, and while ultimately, it is no one's business, their questions and/or comments eat at me, and add salt to an already sore subject. People have said things like,"I could never leave my children all day," and most recently a very well-intentioned, but rather insensitive person told me "I should pray about staying home with my children because they are worth the sacrifice, and that I could have 'my time' later." I'm sure that person had no idea that my praying had already been done and that I cried every day for a week over her comment.
Yes, OF COURSE my children are worth sacrifice. But for us, this is not about sacrifice, it's about financial responsibility. One could argue that if we had faith, God would provide for us, and while I do believe this to be true, I also believe that God helps those who help themselves. I have (and am still paying for) a college degree and feel blessed that I have a way to contribute to our family's need. Yes, my working allows us to see our families which are distributed across the country like Manifest Destiny, but we sure won't be taking a Disney Cruise anytime soon. And yes, our home is large and comfortable, but it is by no means luxurious and in Eufaula, there are very few "middle class" homes like the one we live in; people would be surprised at how little we actually paid for it.
As a child, I watched from across the street as our car was repossessed out of our own driveway. As a senior in high school, I was only able to go on my senior trip to Magic Mountain because a friend anonymously paid for me. I only bring this up to explain why I will probably never be a stay-at-home mom (in the true sense of the word, at least), and I do believe (until I'm redirected) that working is the right thing for me to do. As long as I have children who are not yet self-sufficient, this issue will cause me grief and sleepless nights. However, I also know that life is sometimes a tug of war; a case of situational ethics. What's right for me, is not necessarily right for my next door neighbor. I try my hardest not to judge the decisions that others make because I only see the cards that they choose to lay on the table. The cards that we don't show, are sometimes the cards that determine our paths in life. While my path is arduous at times, I am thankful to be on it. I'm thankful for a husband that supports any decision I make and for my two beautiful children who are the reason this is an issue at all.